I am working from home. Or, not working from home. But “screwing around ceaselessly in bed on the Internets while charging an hourly rate” doesn’t have the same ring to it. *
It’s not supposed to be funny, but I laughed so hard I farted really loudly, which made me laugh so hard I peed a little. I am such a mess these days.
Just a couple little nibbles to tempt you – my favorites:
The best of these stories was from lb, who wins the Quit Your Whining award. Her POOR DAUGHTER was having a hard time riding her bike:
“I remember one memorable time when she begged and begged to ride the bike to the park, only to crash into the curb every couple of yards. LOOK UP! I yelled. Watch where you are going! LOOK UP! Quit watching your feet! LOOK OUT FOR THE CURB! I was furious and I just couldn’t understand why she couldn’t do something so simple as steer the stupid bike!! By the time we got home I was so frustrated I totally yelled at her and actually threw her beloved bike into the garbage can right in front of her.Turned out that she was blind in one eye! No depth perception! And poor vision in the other eye too! She couldn’t see past her feet! Makes it hard to steer! Hahahahaha! Oops.”
LB’s daughter is fine now, by the way. At least PHYSICALLY.
“Now, some parents feel guilt over parenting moments that I think are triumphs. The That’ll Learn Him award goes to Aimee, whose son kept unbuckling himself while she was driving. “After several pleas and threats to get him to rebuckle, in a fit of Mommys-going-to-teach-you-a-lesson-about-keeping-your-seatbelt-buckled I slammed on the brakes. He went flying forward, hit the seat, and fell face first on the floor. And, in my Mommy Rage Moment, I said, ‘See, that’s what happens when you unbuckle your seatbelt before we get home.'” Brilliant!
I am clearly not meant for this gig. I even come from tainted stock. My mom was a bit hard core.
Once, in eighth grade, school was canceled in the middle of a Thursday afternoon. In a Wisconsin winter. Without snow. Since it takes roughly two feet of snow for my school district to cancel class once it is in session, this should have been a warning.
I went running out of the building, heavy backpack in tow, to find myself flying over a staircase on a glaze of ice almost a centimeter thick. I landed on my left wrist. Whimpering, I got myself back up and went into a bathroom on the top floor where I cried softly for half an hour, willing it to get better. When it didn’t, I went downstairs to the office where our Principal and Vice Principal (my skiing coaches) were still in their offices.
Mr. Jenkins called my mom and said she would need to pick me up and take me to the ER for X-rays. My mom … wait for it … refused and said if I was too stupid to walk on ice, I could practice it on the way home. **
In pity, Mr. Jenkins took me home. I went upstairs after getting yelled at and being told I would not be seeing a doctor and cried myself to sleep.
Next day – Friday! Ice hockey tournament. Three games, back to back to back. In which I was forced to play. I intentionally got penalties in hopes of getting a major misconduct that would keep me out of the rest of the tourney. I failed. By the end of the last game, I could barely take off my otherwise loose hockey glove.
Next days – Saturday and Sunday! Downhill ski racing tournament. In which I was forced to race. When I didn’t place, I got lectured on the waste of money for the entry fees.
Next day – Monday! X-rays revealed a wrist broken in two places. I had a cast halfway up to my shoulder. The second break came from the weekend of sports with an already broken wrist.
To my Mom’s credit, I was treated to a very nice dinner and a big ice cream sundae. And they wonder why I enjoyed boarding school. 🙂
* Not really. I won’t bill them for time spent finding new blogs. Or new blogs to me.
** For the record, my mom was about the greatest mom ever and this just goes to show that all folks make mistakes.