A new low

I apologize. This is not a very sunshiney post.

I have hit a new low – 180 pounds. I lost everything I gained and another four pounds besides. I have lost one seventh of my body. The last time I weighed this much, I was in a sorority in college. I was a size 8. I have lost, depending on the day, between 26 and 30 pounds since I got pregnant.

I weighed 10 pounds more than this when I trained for and raced a half Ironman triathlon. I trained for that race for almost a year. I never got below 189. I do not believe in “big boned,” but I do believe that some of us are meant to weigh a bit more than others.

I know 180 still sounds like a lot. But it is that point on me where things start to look a bit weird. My breasts look too big for my body and you can actually see the delineation of my ribs when I don’t have a shirt on. My shoulder blades poke out, as do my hip bones. Most folks think I weigh a good 40 pounds less than I do. I don’t think most of them are saying it to be kind; several of them were doctors.

My doc in the U.S. once told me she didn’t think I should get below 180 because it did not look healthy on me. I kind of dismissed what she said – at an appointment a week after I took first place in a triathlon at a robust 189 – but I can tell you I don’t feel healthy. I feel weak and shaky from the inside out.

I can feel that my body is losing control of itself, even though the vomiting is almost gone. My lips are cracked and bloody from dehydration. I feel like I can’t regulate my temperature. I feel constantly full, and yet I’m shaky from not eating and what I am guessing is low blood sugar. And from the pain in my upper abdomen, I feel like my body has forgotten what to do with food. I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, where I will desperately try and convey how I feel to my first non-RE obstetrician.

I can tell that the growing bean is requiring more nutrition every week. I cannot get by on the amount of food I was eating two weeks ago. I feel myself getting weaker and weaker, as though I am being eaten alive. I am exhausted, but moreover, there is a new level of weakness. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I sleep as much as I can so I don’t think about it. I am too weak to get myself to a doctor only to be blown off as not being dehydrated enough, not being weak enough for treatment.

And for the first time, I’m really scared. I do not know how this can end well without a drastic change.

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One response to “A new low

  1. Oy. And you’re right. You never looked very overweight to me, even pre-pregnancy, pre-radical weight loss.

    Except for a dork, I can’t imagine any doctor who wouldn’t listen to you… If you need someone to fight for you (language-wise), let me know.

    I don’t recall ever feeling like what you describe – I do remember being terribly hungry but not feeling like eating anything… (that feeling passed several months ago and I have found all the weight you lost and then some, so at least it’s still here in the city…)

    Take it easy & let me know if there’s anything I can do.

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