E-mail from frenemies

I think I’m still fairly on top of the comments responses, but I’ve been lax about questions I’ve gotten via e-mail. Here’s my attempt at getting caught up:

If you’re really observant, why were you on DepoProvera? … You don’t sound like you’re actually orthodox. … It’s not tznius to discuss the things you talk about here. … Your blog is a chillul HaShem. … You haven’t been blessed with children for a reason — don’t question God’s will. And my favorite (not a paraphrase):

“You haven’t been given children because you already have baby items in your home. You wouldn’t be a good mother, and I can’t see how you will raise children in a torahdik environment when you act the way you do and flout it.”

Righto. Now you see why I’ve been lax in responding. I think the last one is the equivalent of a troll. The others are just mildly hurtful. Here are my responses.

First up: DepoProvera. I had severe anemia due to the fact that the area where I went to college did not have a kosher grocery. I didn’t eat meat for four years, and it took my body a long time to recover afterward. So I guess you could say my diligence in observing the mitzvah had its pros and cons. I was put on Depo so that a) I wouldn’t menstruate and lose more iron and b) so I wouldn’t conceive until my anemia had been corrected.

I am a modern orthodox woman. Just because you’re orthodox doesn’t mean you’re made from a mold. We are all very different. I think a fair share of Jews and many non-Jews see it as a piety issue. It isn’t really. We just try to follow the law as best we can. As evidenced by my fuckup this morning, we occasionally make mistakes … just like real people.

I can kind of see where you’re coming from on the tznius issue. I have concerns of my own about the graphic nature of dealing with IVF and the subsequent blogging about it. That said, I have learned exponentially more about treating fertility issues (no I word on this blog) from my “friends inside the computer” than I ever have from a doctor, medical organization, etc

At the risk of sounding horrifically sappy, I do not think I would have tried IVF at this point in my life if it was not for Julie. Mind you, the woman has no idea who I am, but I had coverage for fertility for a good six months before I even picked up the phone and tried to find an RE. “A little pregnant” was for me what I assume “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy” is to pregnant women.

At the top of ProjGen’s blog, you’ll find the tagline: “The act of creation requires me, my husband, G-d. And a whole lotta technology.”

If I have the absolute joy of holding an adorable baby of my own some day, a whole lot of credit will go out to Julie and Old Guard (mind you, not old women) who had the courage to post their stories online. Not to bash the Hubby, but: he’s here for me when I really need him. Julie’s blog is always there.

So yeah, talk to me about the untzniusdik behavior of frum women posting their blogs online when it results in more healthy Jewish babies. I’ll try and give a damn. As for my blog being a chilul hashem, I’ll make sure to remember it on Yom Kippur.

Your damn right I haven’t been blessed with children for a reason. We’re fertilistically challenged. If it really isn’t “to be,” it’ll never happen and no amount of IVF will fix it. But thanks for your concern.

I know the feeding of trolls — even the ones without the courage to post their comments — is generally ill advised on blogs. But this woman picked the wrong damn cycle day for me to have time to respond.

And the last one: Let’s just say a woman is pregnant with her second child. The first child is, for the sake of destroying your argument, six months old. Does the mother have to throw out all the baby stuff in her home that her first child is using in order to successfully carry the second baby — according to minhag?

No. Because that would be ridiculous. Retail items of a infantile nature do not render a couple infertile.

“You wouldn’t be a good mother, and I can’t see how you will raise children in a torahdik environment when you act the way you do and flout it.”

If you can honestly e-mail someone who is going through a rough patch and tell them they will not raise their yet-to-be-had children properly, you are not … wait for it …

a good mother, a good woman, a good person or a loving member of am yisrael.

For the record, the “writer” writes from Bozeman, Montana. Not exactly a bustling metro of Jewish community, if I do say so myself.

I’ll let you know what type of ima I make when I’m raising my kids in eretz yisrael.

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9 responses to “E-mail from frenemies

  1. Kirby, ignore these comments! How dare they judge you (or us-I can’t wait til this troll finds my blog). Keep on going .They can’t be all than frummy if they use the internet anyhow.
    Gut Voch!

  2. As far as I know, the issue of not having baby items in your home has to do with ayin ha’ra, which has nothing to do with halacha… My parents said that they chose not to bring things into the house for fear that something would go wrong and they would come home to new baby stuff and no baby… it wasn’t for halachik reasons at all.

    B”H, I know of many healthy babies born to people who have bought things in advance 🙂

  3. Nice responses. You keep doing whatever you need to do and while one poster said to ignore the comments, I like that you point out the inaccuracies in them. Just found your blog and I’ll definitely keep on reading.

  4. nice responses indeed! well done. no one has the right to judge you like that.

  5. Although I’m not Jewish and don’t really understand “the rules”, I can sympathize with the “it’s G-d’s will you’re not preggo” hoo-hah. I’ve heard it many times. I wonder how many people would have the audacity to say a similar thing to someone who had another medical condition, like cancer. Good for you for sticking up for yourself!

  6. Oh, my. How cruel could a person be, to say those things? What is she, BFF with G-d??

  7. Egad, I am more flattered than I can say. Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope the influence of your friends inside the computer turns out to have a wonderful payoff — say, about 7 pounds 8 ounces worth.

  8. ouch. What’s up with these people, sometimes? I’m very grateful I’ve never gotten any comments like that (but then, I only have about 5 readers 😉 ). I’ve never understood some peoples’ need to tear down others anonymously.

    I’m glad you’re not taking them to heart. I always liked what Persephone had on her description on her blog about tznius. If it made you uncomfortable, look away. Duh.

  9. I hope you get your baby soon. Don’t pay attention to people who claim to know why the mind of God regarding your issue. God sends encouragement, not torment.

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