FertilityFrenemy.com

My FertilityFriend.com chart has decided I’m pregnant.

I’m guessing Dr. Flo will offer a second opinion. Given that she is the senior physician in this matter, her word kind of goes down as law. That said, she has yet to make an appearance. Or, I was too damn schnookered that I didn’t notice (okay, unlikely).

Pre-period symptoms: Awe-inspiring gastrointestinal ills, blatantly shitty attitude sprinkled with a generous helping of random waterworks, occasional cramping, BFN again and again.

Something that is very much so not PMS symptoms: Weight loss, loss of appetite, yet insane food cravings, lack of menstrual flow, unprovoked vomiting, extreme exhaustion, batshit insane sense of smell, and I swear it’s 20 degrees warmer in here than it is.

Yeah, I could go either way on this.

Ways to Insure Unexpected Pregnancy: Suffice it to say I’ve partaken in excess lately.

Stop taking your prenatal vitamins: I have a relatively good excuse here. My doc said if I didn’t have a BM they would give me an enema. Instead of paying the copay for a hospital enema, let’s just say I did it myself. They are $2.50 for a box of two at Target. And I am cheap.
Not as bad as I would have expected, but there is a point at which you must decide: Prenatal vitamin or regular bowel function? I figured I would make poor pregnant woman if I lacked a lower intestine or rectum. I decided on CD 16, which is roughly when FertilityFrenemy.com says I ovulated. Welcome to my malnourished uterus!

Wine: Specifically, those with a high ABV and in great frequency. I have had roughly four bottles of wine in the last two weeks. That would mean more in the previous 14 days than in the two years prior. Then again, it’s been a bit of a rough patch lately, no?

Sushi: And I don’t mean the harmless ones — I mean the good, high-mercury, Ahi tuna. While you’re at it, get some liver so you can have toxic levels of vitamin A and wash it down with some poorly cooked eggs. Why have salmon, when you can have Salmonella?

Things I have not done, but I’m open to new things:

Falling asleep under an electric blanket, on a heating pad, after sitting in a hot tub. If you can manage to eat some paint chips or sushi in said hot tub, all the better. See how far you can throw each prenatal vitamin from the hot tub — if you had kids, it could be a family game! No prenatals left because you were diligent? No problem! Got a cat? You can use dried up cat turds, fresh from the litter box. If you get confused, you might even snack on one! It’s toxoplasfabulous!

Got nephews or neighbors with young kids? If they’ve got chicken pox, and you’ve never had it, you know what time it is! Pox-licking time!

Other fun, but less effective, methods of inducing pregnancy:

Zero a day, the refined carb way: See how few green leafy vegetables you can consume. Still trying to conceive? By all means, get the hubby involved so his sperm can go to shit too!

Not to be outdone: It’s high heart rate time! Strap on your heart rate monitor and train for this week’s marathon. Not much of a runner? Not much of a problem! Highest average heart rate wins, with highest core temperature as a tie breaker.

I don’t think this quite qualifies as a pity party, but suffice it to say I will have a “new leaf” “getting my shit together” post tomorrow. I did a lot of thinking about it, and I need to start living for now in the event that many of the things I’m waiting on (pregnancy, aliyah, father’s death) either don’t ever happen or do not happen according to their projected timeline.

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