Things I do not have time for

HELP WANTED: MWF seeks ovaries. Must be self-starters, punctual problem solvers. Inquire within.

******

Today is cycle day 31.

For someone who has never had a cycle go past 28 days, this would normally be cause for celebration. Pardon me if I fail to bring out the champagne.

As I told a dear friend, let me know if hell freezes over and I’ll pee on a stick.

I’m exhausted. And I’m sick as a dog. And everything smells like poop. And by that, I don’t mean everything smells befouled, I mean it actually smells like poop.

Milk smells like poop. My mouth smells like poop. And my husband definitely smells like he is poop-covered. In all fairness, I think I smell like poop too.

Ironically, the dog smells Downy fresh. So the hubby is sleeping on the floor and the pup is sleeping with me.

I do not have time for this. Pesach is coming, the IVF cycle is starting and my Dad is dying, so I have to go home to visit and make whatever amends can be made.

Possible causes:

1. I am so stressed out that my body has opted out of function this month around. **

2. I am pregnant. (heh)

3. I am going through menopause. (just a little less “heh” than the last one)

4. My period is late because my ovaries are assholes.

Smart money is on 1 or 4.

You listen here you stupid almond shaped troublemakers. You either get me Aunt Flo now, or I’m going to hit you with so many hormones in the next six weeks you’re not going to know a follicle from a sperm. You hear me? The shit is on little ovaries.

** Upside: I have lost five pounds. Small victories.

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