Comments a plenty

Rona Michaelson said:

You can write me offline because I would like to give you my take on the conversion in Israel issue.

Yay! That said, I’m not sure I have your e-mail address. You (and all of you really) can reach me at whattoexpect2007 AT hotmail DOT com.

Megan said:

I am quite interested to hear about how you’ve been received by the Orthodox community as a whole.

To sum it up, the whole thing has been incredibly strange. The first Orthodox rabbi we studied with didn’t ever tried to dissuade us. I think it was apparent that we were at a point of “no turning back,” so he just tried to help us along toward more observancy. Although that rabbi was very helpful, the community he was in was not, so we weren’t exactly brokenhearted when we moved last summer.

There are a wide variety of opinions about how much a potential convert should do prior to the mikvah (for those of you keeping score at home, you are Jewish after you have your conversion mikvah). Our first rabbi was very much so in support of us doing nearly everything: tznius in dress, covering my hair, the hubby wearing tzitzis and a kippah, following as much of taharat hamishpocha as possible, and of course kashrut and shabbos/yom tov (you have to do one thing to break it and we always do). We had mezuzot on our doorposts, a blech on the stove, and were told that if we got pregnant and they couldn’t get us dunked before I had the baby, that our son would still receive a traditional bris so that there would be fewer issues later — basically, he’d be considered frum from birth.

Then we moved. It would be fair to say the train derailed. I would love to say we received a warm welcome where we live now, but it just isn’t true. The rabbi we are now studying with told us point blank to stop doing the vast majority of what we are doing, and told us it would likely be years before he would consider allowing us to go before a beth din.

Due to his attitude, we are in some ways less observant now than we were before our Reform conversion. And that, I think, is incredibly sad.

When we told him we were hoping to make aliyah this summer, he and his family basically stopped talking to us. Hence the “we’re just going to finish things up in Israel” aspect of this whole process.

Lubyvitcher writes:

If you are preparing for a halachic conversion, why would you want to have a child prior to that? It could create ssssooooo many problems down the road.

Hmm. You haven’t noted the specific concerns you’re discussing, so let me try and cover the blanket issues of which I’m aware. If I’ve missed something, please let me know:

1. If we have a child before I am Jewish by halachah, the child I have will not be Jewish and will need to have a conversion. And that child will not have our name, but instead will be “ben avraham avinu.”

In a nutshell, we’ve been told this won’t happen. A) Nine months is enough time for us to wrap things up and get dunked, which would make the baby Jewish. B) Even if that doesn’t happen, we were assured we could “pretend” and address the other issues easily. C) Even if neither of those hold true, it’s no worse than if we adopted.

2. Our child would be a ben niddah.

Yup that’s true. Then again, so is almost every ba’alei tshuvah, convert and I would wager the vast majority of Jews in the world. I’m not fussed by it really. If a secular Jew is told he’ll have a tough time with a shidduch because he is a ben niddah, what incentive are we giving him to put down the bacon double cheeseburger and become a BT?

3. Our child would not be treated as a “frum from birth” child and may have issues finding a shidduch.

Again, I have a hard time caring. First off, even if we are as observant as the day is long, it’s not going to change the fact that the hubby and I are converts. I have a feeling that the same people who would have issues about their kid marrying someone who isn’t FFB will also have issues with the fact that we converted. And really, who wants people like that for in laws?

So why are we trying to have a baby now? I find it funny that the same people who would chastise us for considering birth control if we were both Jewish and the ones trying to dissuade us from having a family now. It’s not an ideal situation and I’ll give you that one: the ideal situation would have been that I was born Jewish (which by the by, I very likely was, but that’s an extremely long issue that doesn’t really fit the MO of this blog). Can’t fix it now. Even then, all I can be is at best a BT.

I can convert to Orthodox Judaism at any point in my life, but I can only have children for a very small window in the grander scheme of things — and clearly even this facet is proving to be more difficult than ever expected. If anything, being fertility challenged has just reinforced the fact that this decision to try and start a family now was the right one.

As always, thanks for reading, thanks for commenting and thanks again for all the discussion you’ve sparked on this blog.

Poll? Dunno how to do one

Just kidding. I have no idea how to do a poll.

Here’s the question. Y’all can answer in the comments.

When did you buy things for the baby?

1. Long before I ever got pregnant.
2. As soon as I found out I was pregnant.
3. I registered when I found out I was pregnant, but we didn’t buy anything until later.
4. We registered after the first trimester, and had everything at home before the baby came?
5. We registered, but didn’t get anything until the baby was home from the hospital.
6. Are you kidding? You can’t do any of that until you bring home the baby or you’ll invite ayin hora.

Another quick question: Occasionally I get NBN readers — if you’re making aliyah this summer, have you heard back from NBN yet? Did you ask for funding? Thanks in advance. I’m panicking — it’s way more fun to panic about aliyah than about pesach.

Readers write

First off, thanks to everyone for not voting me off the frum fertility blogger island. Your comments made me feel tons better and I’m really looking forward to putting faces to names someday.

Next up, answering your comments:

Rona Michalson writes:

“Mazal tov on the approval for aliya. I hope the Nefesh B’Nefesh application works out well. Remember, a lot of us successfully made aliya before they came into existence. Make sure to be in touch when you get to Modi’in. You will be very welcome here. No one is standing around here judging others (and if you find someone who is, well, it’s really their problem, not yours). You can write me offline because I would like to give you my take on the conversion in Israel issue.”

Todah rabbah. Of course people did great and made aliyah happily and successfully before Nefesh B Nefesh. There’s only one big issue here that makes NBN crucial.

I hate to say it, but: money. There is no way we can pull it off without a grant from NBN. It will be tough even with that, but if we can just get a little help, I know we can make it happen. That said, our shaliach is busting her butt to get me employment soon after we move to make the whole thing an easier process. If anyone knows of any job leads in technical writing, web or print design, web programming, or your garden-variety journalism, I’d kindly appreciate the info. And I’ll get back to you about the conversion in Israel stuff. I could definitely use some advice.

Rachel “my hero” Inbar writes:

“Sounds unnerving… When b”H you cycle for your next baby in Israel, I can guarantee you won’t be travelling 2-1/2 hours each way.”

So true. That is unless I decide to cycle in say, Turkey.

Projgen said:

“My clinic always got preliminary stuff wrong – why I was there, who I was seeing, why I was calling, etc., etc. The “important” stuff they never got wrong. Usually it just took a quick reminder for them to glance at my file again and say, “oh, right.” But when it was actually time for retrieval and transfer, everybody knew exactly what was going on, and got it all right!”

How sad/strange is it that even if we ended up having someone else’s kid, I’d be totally okay with that. I just want kids.

Julie, as in the rockstar A Little Pregnant Julie, said:

“Egad, I am more flattered than I can say. Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope the influence of your friends inside the computer turns out to have a wonderful payoff — say, about 7 pounds 8 ounces worth.”

7 lbs 8 ounces would be great. Unless we get double coupon day in my ute in which case I would prefer a good 12 pounds.

Rachdas said:

“As far as I know, the issue of not having baby items in your home has to do with ayin ha’ra, which has nothing to do with halacha… My parents said that they chose not to bring things into the house for fear that something would go wrong and they would come home to new baby stuff and no baby… it wasn’t for halachik reasons at all. B”H, I know of many healthy babies born to people who have bought things in advance “

So true. As two friends have lost the pregnancies well after the first trimester, I’ve realized that although the 12 weeks is a nice guideline, you’re not out of the woods until your baby is at home and healthy.

The weird thing is, I think that once I get pregnant I’ll stop buying baby stuff. So far it doesn’t feel like anything we have is for a particular baby — it’s just for the future. Or as the hubby says in his sports lingo, a yet-to-be-named draft pick. It would be pretty weird to buy stuff for a baby I’m actually pregnant with — as in “hey you in there, this is going to be your new boppy cover.” I actually get weirded out just imagining it.

So fellow frummies, this frummie-in-training is asking for your opinion. I’m going to try and post a poll and I hope you’ll respond.

That’s about it for now. Thanks for all your comments and for reading my rants and raves.

In other news

I got a new cycling trainer — a CycleOps Magneto — and am really psyched about being able to ride indoors. I’m going to have to take it slowly in the beginning as I try and get back into shape, so I thought I might be more motivated if I could ride indoors.

Still no word on the bloodwork results, but I’ve started taking the baby aspirin each day as recommended by my doc. Anyone else have any experience with this?

Just a couple of days now until I start the BCP.

Coming out of the closet

I have to admit, I’m scared to do this. I have a bad feeling I’m about to lose a bunch of happy frum (observantly Jewish) readers and it’s a bit scary.

First off, the good news. We have been approved by the Jewish Agency to make aliyah. Not exactly a huge accomplishment.

You see, to move to Israel, you have to be Jewish.** And that’s a good jumping off point for my coming out day.

I am a convert to Judaism. So is my husband. All good, no?

(waiting for the other shoe to drop…)

Both of our conversions were done under Reform auspices.^^ (gasp)

Okay, so before you kill me in the comments, let me explain.

I started studying about Judaism when I was 13. Not going to tell the whole life story here, but I was ready to convert shortly after I graduated college. The hubby, who at the time was the boyfriend, and then the fiancee, kind of went along for the ride.

Our conversion, complete with mikvah, etc. was Oct. 25, 2002. That December we went to Israel on the Birthright Israel trip.

And that’s what changed everything. We were married six months later and have been studying for an orthodox conversion ever since. For the record, that’s more than four years now so we’ve really got things down quite well. And we’ve been planning out how to make aliyah since shortly before we were married.

So getting approval from JAFI that we are “Jewish enough” made me feel really good. For the record, we will still be doing the formal orthodox conversion in Israel, since we didn’t want to go through the potential hurdles of having it not be recognized.

You can all hate me and call me a liar and I won’t exactly deny it. But I had to come clean on it since I’m hoping that some of the friends inside the computer will eventually become friends outside the computer.

Back to the good news: we will be making communal aliyah in Modi’in. So anyone out there from Modi’in or the surrounding areas, please let me know again where you’re from so we can get together once we move. Assuming you’ll still want to talk to me.

Last big hurdle: Getting approved by Nefesh B Nefesh. Please God, and soon.

** Caveat emptor: There are lots of other ways to move there and I’m am drastically oversimplifying since I don’t think many of you will care. That said, if I’ve piqued your interest, let me know and I’ll post on it.

^^ For those of you who don’t quite understand this, it means that by the very laws (halakah) that shape my days, I am not considered to be Jewish. I am my own oxymoron. It’s something I’m hoping to remedy when we move to Israel, or at the latest, before we have children.

No news is good news?

Day 3 bloods and an ultrasound for me, virals for the hubby.

Here’s the plan so far:
Start BCP: March 30
Sonohystogram and mock embryo transfer: April 2
Pre-ART meeting with Dr. Laughs-not-so-much: April 12
Injection class: April 16
Begin injections: April 17
ER and ET somewhere in week of May 6

We didn’t get a call back about our bloodwork today, but they called in my scrip for the BCP so I’m assuming everything was okay. Yes, I realize this policy has screwed me in the past, but I’m a kinder, happier patient now.

******

Funny story though. Went to pick up the BCP at Target Pharmacy. Adorable Indian woman is our pharmacist there.

As I’m picking up the pills, there is a little boy completely in a terrible twos fit. Kicking and shrieking, beating his little fists on the floor.

Her: Look at it this way. Take these diligently, and you’ll never have to deal with that.

Me: Actually, they’re for an IVF cycle.

She appraises me for a moment…

Her: (with a huge grin) Ahh. Don’t worry. Your kids will never be like that.

Oh the irony is amazing. It doesn’t really set in until the pills bear your name. Yep, I’m taking BCP so I can have a baby.

******

Although the doc’s office called in the scrip, they didn’t leave any information about the license number, doctor’s information, etc. Without it, my insurance won’t cover the pills. My ever diligent pharmacist (who rocks my world) actually called up the doctor on call to get her license number so I would only have to pay my copay.

This woman has far bigger balls than you would ever imagine for her 5 foot stature.

And it worked. But it got me to thinking…

I’m noticing a lot of “little things” that seem to be failing to fall into place with this cycle. I know I’m not the first one to notice it, but my office doesn’t seem to be very good at getting the details down right.

Today:

“You’re here because you got a positive LH surge?”

“No, I’m here for day three bloods.”

“Oh. Then I need to get another couple vials from you.”

And in went another needle.

Other screwups from today: failed to mention hubby’s bloodwork would not be covered under insurance ($250?), and scared the hell out of me when they said we were supposed to be fasting for our bloodwork.

When you have to drive 2.5 hours each way for each visit (can we do any of this locally? answer: no), you get a bit antsy when they don’t seem to be that organized. For example, when I left today I didn’t know when my next appointment was. To be fair, I got a call that explained it all, but I still don’t feel good about this.

“You don’t seem to have any follicles that are ready to go. Are you sure you got a positive on your OPK?”

“Umm, no. I’m here for baseline ultrasound. This is CD3.”

I have some concerns about people this disorganized collecting sperm, eggs and creating an embyo of our genetic material to be reinserted.

Suffice it to say if I give birth to a olive skinned curly haired cutie pie, we’ll likely know what happened.

Anyone else have the same experience?

Z"L "70 pounds to go"

I killed my other blog. It only had two posts and was suffering from “failure to thrive.” I’m only mentioning it here since I got a couple e-mails when it went away. The best one was the woman who said: “If you were pregnant with a Downs syndrome baby, you wouldn’t get rid of it, would you?”

Thanks for comparing my blog to a pregnancy. To her credit, I don’t think she knew what my “other blog” was about.

In a nutshell: I need to lose 70 pounds to be a “healthy weight” and I actually gained 20 on WeightWatchers. WeightWatchers is not my friend.

That’s pretty much all the blog said. I’ve added a ticker at the bottom of the main page that will track my weight loss (or — eek — gain), for those of you who are interested.

Oh: Z”L stands for zichrono livracha – or roughly, may it’s memory be for a blessing. I guess you could say it’s the Jewish equivalent of rest in peace.

Edited to add: “rest in peace,” not “rest in peach” like I originally wrote. Though I guess there could be worse places to rest.

E-mail from frenemies

I think I’m still fairly on top of the comments responses, but I’ve been lax about questions I’ve gotten via e-mail. Here’s my attempt at getting caught up:

If you’re really observant, why were you on DepoProvera? … You don’t sound like you’re actually orthodox. … It’s not tznius to discuss the things you talk about here. … Your blog is a chillul HaShem. … You haven’t been blessed with children for a reason — don’t question God’s will. And my favorite (not a paraphrase):

“You haven’t been given children because you already have baby items in your home. You wouldn’t be a good mother, and I can’t see how you will raise children in a torahdik environment when you act the way you do and flout it.”

Righto. Now you see why I’ve been lax in responding. I think the last one is the equivalent of a troll. The others are just mildly hurtful. Here are my responses.

First up: DepoProvera. I had severe anemia due to the fact that the area where I went to college did not have a kosher grocery. I didn’t eat meat for four years, and it took my body a long time to recover afterward. So I guess you could say my diligence in observing the mitzvah had its pros and cons. I was put on Depo so that a) I wouldn’t menstruate and lose more iron and b) so I wouldn’t conceive until my anemia had been corrected.

I am a modern orthodox woman. Just because you’re orthodox doesn’t mean you’re made from a mold. We are all very different. I think a fair share of Jews and many non-Jews see it as a piety issue. It isn’t really. We just try to follow the law as best we can. As evidenced by my fuckup this morning, we occasionally make mistakes … just like real people.

I can kind of see where you’re coming from on the tznius issue. I have concerns of my own about the graphic nature of dealing with IVF and the subsequent blogging about it. That said, I have learned exponentially more about treating fertility issues (no I word on this blog) from my “friends inside the computer” than I ever have from a doctor, medical organization, etc

At the risk of sounding horrifically sappy, I do not think I would have tried IVF at this point in my life if it was not for Julie. Mind you, the woman has no idea who I am, but I had coverage for fertility for a good six months before I even picked up the phone and tried to find an RE. “A little pregnant” was for me what I assume “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy” is to pregnant women.

At the top of ProjGen’s blog, you’ll find the tagline: “The act of creation requires me, my husband, G-d. And a whole lotta technology.”

If I have the absolute joy of holding an adorable baby of my own some day, a whole lot of credit will go out to Julie and Old Guard (mind you, not old women) who had the courage to post their stories online. Not to bash the Hubby, but: he’s here for me when I really need him. Julie’s blog is always there.

So yeah, talk to me about the untzniusdik behavior of frum women posting their blogs online when it results in more healthy Jewish babies. I’ll try and give a damn. As for my blog being a chilul hashem, I’ll make sure to remember it on Yom Kippur.

Your damn right I haven’t been blessed with children for a reason. We’re fertilistically challenged. If it really isn’t “to be,” it’ll never happen and no amount of IVF will fix it. But thanks for your concern.

I know the feeding of trolls — even the ones without the courage to post their comments — is generally ill advised on blogs. But this woman picked the wrong damn cycle day for me to have time to respond.

And the last one: Let’s just say a woman is pregnant with her second child. The first child is, for the sake of destroying your argument, six months old. Does the mother have to throw out all the baby stuff in her home that her first child is using in order to successfully carry the second baby — according to minhag?

No. Because that would be ridiculous. Retail items of a infantile nature do not render a couple infertile.

“You wouldn’t be a good mother, and I can’t see how you will raise children in a torahdik environment when you act the way you do and flout it.”

If you can honestly e-mail someone who is going through a rough patch and tell them they will not raise their yet-to-be-had children properly, you are not … wait for it …

a good mother, a good woman, a good person or a loving member of am yisrael.

For the record, the “writer” writes from Bozeman, Montana. Not exactly a bustling metro of Jewish community, if I do say so myself.

I’ll let you know what type of ima I make when I’m raising my kids in eretz yisrael.

Go with the flow

It’s definitely CD1.

While I appreciate all the support, please know I had little faith I was preggo, so actually getting the cycle started means we’re doing IVF. Now. No more waiting, and I’m very happy about that.

That said, I’m off to a bit of a bad start. We stayed up late last night — 4 a.m. — just talking, futzing with things around the house, etc.

The IVF nurse called at 6:15 a.m. today and I stupidly did the only thing you can do when you’ve only been asleep for a couple hours.

I answered the phone and proceeded to discuss my protocol, appointments, etc.

Which would be perfectly fine if it were not Shabbos.

I have no good excuses. I was half asleep and I just slipped up. When the hubby and I realized what I did, we kind of just sat there in shocked silence. Not much you can do about it after it happens except try better not to do it again.

Anyhoo. Here’s what I learned. I did have the good sense not to write things down, so I only caught a fraction of the appointments I will need to have.

Monday we go to the Big City for his & hers bloods.
BCP starts March 30.
Injection class is April 16, with injections starting April 17.
A mock embryo transfer happens at some point, though I missed that detail in its entirety.
And the ER and ET are scheduled for the week of May 6.

Just in time for Shabbos

Some spotting and the cramping has gotten worse.

We’re calling it CD zero, which puts CD3 as Monday. It’s back to the Big City for day three bloods and an ultrasound. Assuming it doesn’t develop into AF, they still want to see me.

Thanks again for all your support and I’ll have another post motzi shabbos.